"Friends"

I'm pretty sure I have already written about this, but I just don't care.

I am sick and tired of trying to maintain a friendship with some of my High School friends. What is the point? Is there even reason to do so? I don't think so. If feels like they don't want to be my friend anymore. It feels like they don't care about me anymore. I have always been there for them, but whenever I need to talk to someone, they never message me back. Not until a day, or even longer, later; if they ever message me back at all. It makes me feel like that there is no point in their friendships anymore.

It really hurt my feelings when I message them, and they see it, but don't respond. Or if I message them something specific, like wanting to hang out, and then message them again later and they actually respond to my "Hey.", they will ignore me wanting to hang out with them. I am sick of giving them an invitation to come to my house whenever they want to, or need to. And them not ever wanting to do it. I am sick of them hanging out with each other, but not bothering to invite me. I am sick of the fact that having a kid makes me uninvitable to places. I am sick of always messaging them first. I am sick of not having friends in real life that actually care about me. I am sick of being the only one trying to be friends anymore. I am getting sick of them.

I would love to drop them. Love to see how that plays out. LOVE to see them do nothing. LOOOOVE to see them not even notice.

But, for one, one of them has two of my books. I need to get them back before even doing that. And 2, I am probably to big of a coward to even do it.

But it doesn't matter. This whole post doesn't matter. I will probably continue to put up with the crap friends that I have. I will continue to be depressed every time I "talk" to them.

I wish...

There are a few things I wish about almost daily. I wish I had a cleaner house. I wish I had a longer fuse. I wish I had chocolate. But the main thing I wish about, especially on a day like this. A day where I will be alone until 11 PM. A day where my only company is my screaming toddler. I wish I had friends. I guess I do have friends. But I have friends that even though they tell me I can call them and they'll come over if I want, always seem to be busy. Busy with my other "friends". I want to be able to go and have fun. Hang out. Mess around like I used to. 

It's not like before I had my son I had much of a social life, but I at least got invited to go do things with them. Sometimes I wonder if I cross their mind when they make plans to go do something. If I do, do they just brush me off because I have a kid? Do they think "What about Illeana? No, she has a son. She won't be able to come. There is no point in inviting her." 

I am just depressing myself thinking about this. Why am I writing this? Why make myself sad thinking about it? Oh that's right. Because everyone is busy and I have no one to even talk to. I can't text them, because I won't get anything back for hours. Sometimes I don't even get anything back at all. What's the point of having friends if you don't see them?