It has been a while.

And I told you guys this was going to happen. I haven't really felt the urge to write about anything lately, so I just didn't. But I have been feeling that nudge to do so recently. Aaaannnnddd. That's why I am here. Writing. Again.

It's the New Year. New goals. New things to do. New things are happening.

I reconnected with my mom, and then she found out she is moving to Kentucky... in 15 days actually. :T

Joe wants to move to Texas, but I am looking at other cheap states. I am hoping for possibly next year, if not the year after. I want to move before Marshall starts school. That's for sure. And considering he turns 2 this year, that's only 3 more years. (WHAT?!)

I am doing a 2015 Reading Challenge this year. Super excited for it. Started with Alice in Zombieland by Gena Showalter. So far so good. Just waiting for the last two books to come into the library.


I really think that's it. I need to get better at this.

Ugh..

I've been having a hard last few days... I'm sick and tired of this crap with Comcast. I don't know if I told you guys, but they have to completely rewire, but the wire on the outside is in our downstairs neighbors porch area. And he's a dick and won't let the guy in there. I've been trying to talk to the Landlord about it for a week, and he never answers the phone. Never calls back. And it never there when I go there. I'm really thinking about just switching to U-verse...

Then yesterday we found out our dishwasher was leaking onto the carpet and underneath it. So yeah. Fuck that. Excuse the french. So I try going to the office today...again...he hadn't even come in apparently. OH. And they only have one person that works there. SO THAT'S FUN!

Today I've had really bad heartburn and nothing has been helping it. So..yeah. Suckish too

Marshall has been teething really bad and just wants to be cuddled or nursing all the time. But right now I just don't want to be touched. So that's frustrating.

Sorry this post doesn't make much sense. I just need to get all this shit off my chest. And yeah..

Unpacking..

It's so stressful and I hate it. Like hate it. With a serious passion. I hate finding new places for my things. I hate that there is hardly any storage in apartments. In houses. In general. I'm always stuck thinking "Where do I put this?" "What should I do next?" "I have no idea what I'm doing..."

Then since Joe works strange hours, I'm the one doing all the unpacking.. And it burns me out. I don't want to do everything by myself. Then dinner. Then dishes. And on top of all of that, take care of Marshall and make sure he doesn't get into anything.. Make sure he isn't in my way. Make sure he is actually taken care of.

______________________________________________________________________

I completely lost my train of thought because I was checking my email. And my mother messaged me about seeing Marshall. Its difficult because of timing. Joe and her work two completely different schedules so it's hard to really figure out a good time..

I dunno. I think I'm done with this post. Sorry it was so lame.

More about moving.

To start off, I have such creative names for my posts. Don't I?

We moved yesterday. At least most of our house. The important things at least. Like the bed. And Marshall's crib. We have the couch/futon, but it isn't put together yet. We didn't really finish until 10 last night, and by then we were so exhausted we didn't want to do anything else. Not to mention we still have MORE things to grab from the old place. Isn't it just super fun. 

Right now Joe is returning the Uhaul, and then going to grab some things from the old place. And then come get me and Marshall. So I am taking this opportunity to have Marshall take a nap, because yesterday he did NOT get one. He wasn't a happy camper. 

The thing that frustrated me the most about yesterday was that me and Joe had to do it all by ourselves. With Marshall. Because even though I have friends that don't work on Wednesdays, and Joes mom doesn't work at all. No one could be bothered to help us move, and she could have bothered about even OFFERING to help watch Marshall. She complains all the time about not seeing him enough, and yesterday was a great chance to. And she didn't want to. 

I want to post a really sarcastic status on my Facebook saying thanks to everyone that helped us and that we really appreciate it. /sarcasm. But I know that will hurt peoples feelings, so I won't. Instead I'll tell you guys how hurt I am that no one cared enough to help. Everyone knew we were moving. I had posted about it multiple times in the past 2 weeks. I guess it just shows me who my true "friends" are. 

And I use that word lightly, because at this point I feel like I don't have friends in real life. Everyone that is nice to me is on the internet, and even then hardly anyone talks to me.. 

I'm just frustrated and tired of this and the whole situation.. 

Couponing?

I used to do it, and then we got tight on money and didn't have the money for the papers. Tomorrow is Sunday and we have extra money, so I really am thinking of walking up to the store and getting a couple of papers. And by a couple I mean 3..maybe just 2. I looked at the previews and they don't seem that great, but that doesn't mean a great deal isn't going to eventually come around. Hopefully before the coupon expires.

I still have all the things for it. I have my binder and sheets. I have a nice pair of scissors. Hell I even have a big paper cutter if I really wanted to. Which I might use.

It would only be $2 so why wouldn't it be worth it to try?

I was going to call my husband, but my phone seems to be missing thanks to a certain 1 year old. I'm hoping he will bring it to me.

Something is off today..

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I just can't seem to handle life today. The past couple days actually. My fuse is shorter then normal. I get angry at the smallest and stupidest things and I just don't know why.

Every time I go breastfeed my son I get upset because he is touching me to much. It makes no sense. I never had an issue with it before. It might be because of the fact I can't sit on the couch, lay down or do anything but stand without him shoving his face in my breasts and screaming. It doesn't matter if I had just fed him either. And by just I mean he literally just stopped eating and I put everything away.

It's frustrating when he touches me, because he has to be right against me. He has to pull my hair and eat it. Drool on me. Push against me. He invades my personal space and has been doing it all day, every day for the last 15 months. It's sad to say but I really wish sometimes I could just hang up the "Mom" apron and put on a new one. Any one. I just want to get away from him for a while.

Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad person?

I don't think so. I think everyone needs a break every once in a while. The longest I get away from him is if I walk to the store real quick when my husband is home. Or nap time. The last time I was away from him for more then 45 minutes was in February. That means it's been 7 months. 7 months with 0 time alone.

I try to tell my husband how I feel, and he just doesn't understand. He gets angry because apparently he is doing everything he can to make me happy. All I want is one day. Just one, to not have to deal with my son. To not freak out every time I get touched. One day for myself.

I wish...

There are a few things I wish about almost daily. I wish I had a cleaner house. I wish I had a longer fuse. I wish I had chocolate. But the main thing I wish about, especially on a day like this. A day where I will be alone until 11 PM. A day where my only company is my screaming toddler. I wish I had friends. I guess I do have friends. But I have friends that even though they tell me I can call them and they'll come over if I want, always seem to be busy. Busy with my other "friends". I want to be able to go and have fun. Hang out. Mess around like I used to. 

It's not like before I had my son I had much of a social life, but I at least got invited to go do things with them. Sometimes I wonder if I cross their mind when they make plans to go do something. If I do, do they just brush me off because I have a kid? Do they think "What about Illeana? No, she has a son. She won't be able to come. There is no point in inviting her." 

I am just depressing myself thinking about this. Why am I writing this? Why make myself sad thinking about it? Oh that's right. Because everyone is busy and I have no one to even talk to. I can't text them, because I won't get anything back for hours. Sometimes I don't even get anything back at all. What's the point of having friends if you don't see them?