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All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven - ☆☆☆☆
Theodore Finch is fascinated by death, and he constantly thinks of ways he might kill himself. But each time, something good, no matter how small, stops him.
Violet Markey lives for the future, counting the days until graduation, when she can escape her Indiana town and her aching grief in the wake of her sister’s recent death.
When Finch and Violet meet on the ledge of the bell tower at school, it’s unclear who saves whom. And when they pair up on a project to discover the “natural wonders” of their state, both Finch and Violet make more important discoveries: It’s only with Violet that Finch can be himself—a weird, funny, live-out-loud guy who’s not such a freak after all. And it’s only with Finch that Violet can forget to count away the days and start living them. But as Violet’s world grows, Finch’s begins to shrink.
I recently finished All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. Some thoughts that come to mind right now while thinking about: amazing, awe inspiring, hard to put down, a definite re-read. Now to put those thoughts into sentences. I was told multiple times how amazing the book was. How much it was going to make me cry. How much I needed to read it right that second. But I still waited...waited for the right time I think. When I did pick it up it was very difficult to put down. It still took me about a week to read it. I did miss a couple nights though. One thing I really liked was it isn't a fast read like a lot of YA books are. I wasn't able to read a chapter in less then 10 minutes, unless it was only a couple pages long. I didn't feel the need to look over to the next page as I was reading. I knew I needed to read the story as it was. No skipping ahead. No skimming. Or else I would miss something.
Unlike how I was told I would cry...I didn't. The only time I teared up was when Violet was telling Mrs. Finch she found Finch. And that is only because being a mother, it makes it harder to hear when a child has been hurt or has died. My heart aches when I think about it. It's aching right now for her, and all mothers, that have lost their children due to any reason.
I loved the wandering. The feeling of getting to know each other in ways that no one else knows. The ending...felt very resolved to me. Like it didn't need anymore. Nor could it have had any less. The fact she was able to complete the wanderings by herself, but not really alone, eased my brain into knowing that she is going to be ok. That everything is going to be ok. When she was able to go back to The Blue Hole at the very end... I felt that was the perfect was to end the book.
(This is my first real book review. So I am sorry if it seems scattered and imcomplete. Thank you for reading it.)
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Jennifer Niven
And again, for probably the fourth time since I started this blog, I am apologizing about being gone for a long period of time. Sometimes I try to sit down and write a post... but the words get lost. And.. I just don't know what to type anymore. Instead of SOMEtimes, I should say MOST times. It's pretty sad. :T Did you know that once upon a time I wanted to be a writer? Professionally and everything. I don't know why I thought that would be a good idea! I can hardly keep up a blog, much less write a book. Or come up with ideas.
So I guess..I dunno. That I should update you about what's going on in my life? I kind of half gave up on that book challenge I was doing. I am straying away from the categories, and just reading books I want to. Like I just finished Afterworlds by Scott Westerfeld...and while I liked the book, I do think some aspects could have been better. But I would read it again and I feel like it need a sequel.
Other books I have read this year include: Alice in Zombieland by Gena Showalter
Through the Zombie Glass by Gena Showalter
Queen of Zombie Hearts by Gena Showalter
The Impossible Knife of Memory by Laurie Halse Anderson
The 100 by Kass Morgan
Books I plan on reading soon:
All the Bright Places
Shadow & Bone
Landline
Delirium
Day 21
This is going to be a pretty scrambled post......like most of mine are. Oh well. Let's get started, shall we?
So I started going to DeVry because I needed to go back to school, and that seemed like a good one. and so far it is. Well two weeks into the new school year, my keyboard breaks. How fun. Right? No. Not fun. Not right. Well luckily I had just gotten my refund, so I am able to go get a new keyboard. YAY! That's the first thing to tell you guys.
Second thing: Back to the school money. Getting a new tattoo. A jellyfish on my thigh. Don't worry. I will show you guys. I am getting it tomorrow. Super excited/nervous/suuuuper excited. Joe is also getting a new tattoo. Blastoise. Lame men. I do love our tattoo artist, because he gives us a discount. Joe is best friends with his step son though. So yeah. There is that. Lol.
Third thing: My mom is moving across country to Kentucky. Right now. Literally. She is driving through Utah as I type this. It's strange not living in the same area as my mom anymore.
Another thing: I have no idea what else I am typing. I just know that this is not long enough of a blog post to even be worth it.
Oh. We rearranged our living room. For like the 5th time since we moved in here. In October. -_- Whatever. It does feel like there is more floor space though. So that is a good thing.
I'm pretty sure I have already written about this, but I just don't care.
I am sick and tired of trying to maintain a friendship with some of my High School friends. What is the point? Is there even reason to do so? I don't think so. If feels like they don't want to be my friend anymore. It feels like they don't care about me anymore. I have always been there for them, but whenever I need to talk to someone, they never message me back. Not until a day, or even longer, later; if they ever message me back at all. It makes me feel like that there is no point in their friendships anymore.
It really hurt my feelings when I message them, and they see it, but don't respond. Or if I message them something specific, like wanting to hang out, and then message them again later and they actually respond to my "Hey.", they will ignore me wanting to hang out with them. I am sick of giving them an invitation to come to my house whenever they want to, or need to. And them not ever wanting to do it. I am sick of them hanging out with each other, but not bothering to invite me. I am sick of the fact that having a kid makes me uninvitable to places. I am sick of always messaging them first. I am sick of not having friends in real life that actually care about me. I am sick of being the only one trying to be friends anymore. I am getting sick of them.
I would love to drop them. Love to see how that plays out. LOVE to see them do nothing. LOOOOVE to see them not even notice.
But, for one, one of them has two of my books. I need to get them back before even doing that. And 2, I am probably to big of a coward to even do it.
But it doesn't matter. This whole post doesn't matter. I will probably continue to put up with the crap friends that I have. I will continue to be depressed every time I "talk" to them.
And I told you guys this was going to happen. I haven't really felt the urge to write about anything lately, so I just didn't. But I have been feeling that nudge to do so recently. Aaaannnnddd. That's why I am here. Writing. Again.
It's the New Year. New goals. New things to do. New things are happening.
I reconnected with my mom, and then she found out she is moving to Kentucky... in 15 days actually. :T
Joe wants to move to Texas, but I am looking at other cheap states. I am hoping for possibly next year, if not the year after. I want to move before Marshall starts school. That's for sure. And considering he turns 2 this year, that's only 3 more years. (WHAT?!)
I am doing a 2015 Reading Challenge this year. Super excited for it. Started with Alice in Zombieland by Gena Showalter. So far so good. Just waiting for the last two books to come into the library.
I really think that's it. I need to get better at this.
The time where I have to plan and figure out what we are eating for dinner for the next 30 days. The time where I sit down and look through my Facebook at what recipes I have shared. The time where I have to add things together, and triple check lists to make sure I have the right amounts. The time where..I just want to give up half way through.
Joe always wants me to try new recipes, but there is only so many variations of the same shit. There is only so much he is willing to eat also. How am I supposed to come up with new stuff, if he isn't willing to try it? I just don't understand that part.
This month is even harder...because I have to plan around THANKSGIVING. Our first one in our own place. I've cooked bits and pieces of Thanksgiving. But not the whole thing... And Joe works on Thursdays. So I have to figure out if we are doing Thanksgiving on Thursday or Wednesday. Thursday gives me more time to cook everything. But he doesn't get home until 10:30 PM.
The worst part about all of this..is he doesn't tell me what he wants. If I ask him, he says whatever I want to do. He'll say the same shit for Thanksgiving too.
It's frustrating and makes me not want to do anything. But we can't not eat. And if I don't do this, that's exactly what will happen...
She is staying with us because she has decided to leave her husband. He drinks all day long and she can't be around that or she'll relapse. He smokes all day long, and she just got over pneumonia and has COPD. He doesn't seem to care about that when she just spent 2 weeks in the hospital for it.
So she is staying here until November 8th. Then we are taking her up North to stay for a little while, and then me and Marshall get to meet that part of our new family. That is going to be so fuuun. /sarcasm.
I have a hard time being around people. New people. And then these people will be considered my family. And yeah. Nerve wracking. Terrifying. All that stuff.
I've been having a hard last few days... I'm sick and tired of this crap with Comcast. I don't know if I told you guys, but they have to completely rewire, but the wire on the outside is in our downstairs neighbors porch area. And he's a dick and won't let the guy in there. I've been trying to talk to the Landlord about it for a week, and he never answers the phone. Never calls back. And it never there when I go there. I'm really thinking about just switching to U-verse...
Then yesterday we found out our dishwasher was leaking onto the carpet and underneath it. So yeah. Fuck that. Excuse the french. So I try going to the office today...again...he hadn't even come in apparently. OH. And they only have one person that works there. SO THAT'S FUN!
Today I've had really bad heartburn and nothing has been helping it. So..yeah. Suckish too
Marshall has been teething really bad and just wants to be cuddled or nursing all the time. But right now I just don't want to be touched. So that's frustrating.
Sorry this post doesn't make much sense. I just need to get all this shit off my chest. And yeah..
So I decided to download the Blogger App. I did so because I always forget to write a post when I am on the computer. There are so many other distractions. YouTube. Tumblr. Facebook. Mainly those 3...
On the phone/App, I feel like even though I have those apps too, they aren't as much of a distraction. They aren't nearly as easy to maneuver and play with on a phone.
And even though I can't see my stats, or I just haven't figured out how to, on the app; I can see them online. Which is fine with me.
This at least gives me some more motivation to write a post. Especially if I leave the app on my home screen.
It's so stressful and I hate it. Like hate it. With a serious passion. I hate finding new places for my things. I hate that there is hardly any storage in apartments. In houses. In general. I'm always stuck thinking "Where do I put this?" "What should I do next?" "I have no idea what I'm doing..."
Then since Joe works strange hours, I'm the one doing all the unpacking.. And it burns me out. I don't want to do everything by myself. Then dinner. Then dishes. And on top of all of that, take care of Marshall and make sure he doesn't get into anything.. Make sure he isn't in my way. Make sure he is actually taken care of.
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I completely lost my train of thought because I was checking my email. And my mother messaged me about seeing Marshall. Its difficult because of timing. Joe and her work two completely different schedules so it's hard to really figure out a good time..
I dunno. I think I'm done with this post. Sorry it was so lame.
This is going to be an after moving post. Right now, and yesterday also, I've been dealing with Comcast and setting up everything. So it works! My account was never transferred properly, so they are trying to do that. My modem isn't registering as me even having internet. Half of my channels are pixelated.
This is SO infuriating.
I want my TV working properly because The Walking Dead starts tomorrow.
I want my internet working properly so every hour I don't have to wait 5 minutes for it to turn back on.
So far everyone, except the first lady, has been really helpful.
The first lady didn't understand I didn't know where the Serial Number was, and wouldn't tell me, but she told Joe. So whatever. You wanna be that kinda Bitch. Fine.
The last person I talked to told me there is nothing else they can do from the call center, and that she recommends having someone come out. However that's $56 I just don't have to pay someone. Especially for something that's NOT my fault. At all.
To start off, I have such creative names for my posts. Don't I?
We moved yesterday. At least most of our house. The important things at least. Like the bed. And Marshall's crib. We have the couch/futon, but it isn't put together yet. We didn't really finish until 10 last night, and by then we were so exhausted we didn't want to do anything else. Not to mention we still have MORE things to grab from the old place. Isn't it just super fun.
Right now Joe is returning the Uhaul, and then going to grab some things from the old place. And then come get me and Marshall. So I am taking this opportunity to have Marshall take a nap, because yesterday he did NOT get one. He wasn't a happy camper.
The thing that frustrated me the most about yesterday was that me and Joe had to do it all by ourselves. With Marshall. Because even though I have friends that don't work on Wednesdays, and Joes mom doesn't work at all. No one could be bothered to help us move, and she could have bothered about even OFFERING to help watch Marshall. She complains all the time about not seeing him enough, and yesterday was a great chance to. And she didn't want to.
I want to post a really sarcastic status on my Facebook saying thanks to everyone that helped us and that we really appreciate it. /sarcasm. But I know that will hurt peoples feelings, so I won't. Instead I'll tell you guys how hurt I am that no one cared enough to help. Everyone knew we were moving. I had posted about it multiple times in the past 2 weeks. I guess it just shows me who my true "friends" are.
And I use that word lightly, because at this point I feel like I don't have friends in real life. Everyone that is nice to me is on the internet, and even then hardly anyone talks to me..
I'm just frustrated and tired of this and the whole situation..
I've always hated moving. We did it when I was younger every 2-3 years. It's frustrating packing and organizing the boxes. Once we moved to California we didn't move for 7 years. So I got used to staying in the same house. And then we moved. And then I got kicked out. And then we found a place. And now we have to leave this new place(technically 6 months old). We are moving on October 8th, and I haven't packed really anything. It's frustrating to do with a toddler. And I know I'm going to have to do it again soon.
While my son is sleeping I am going to pack up some of the kitchen...that we aren't using that is. I have never actually packed my own house before, so I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with it..
I don't really have much else to say about this...
Firstly, I was just busy on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we were a little busy too, and it was Joe's day off, so I wanted to spend some time with him. Thursday I get a phone call from welfare saying that they are going to cut off our cash-aid because Joe makes to much money. He only grosses $1600, so it's not like we are raking in the money. They just have a limit for how much money we can make, and that limit is $895. Which I think is ridiculous. They also don't wean you off slowly, they full on take every last penny.
Well that extra money, $638, was how we were paying our rent. We set up a time to talk to our worker, make sure that all the information was correct. That was this most recent Monday, the 22nd. Well yeah, they took it all. Everything. We had to go tell our landlords that we would not be able to make rent. They so graciously gave us until the 10th of October to either pay rent, or get out. We knew we weren't going to be able to pay rent, so we started looking at places.
Monday and Tuesday were kind of a bust. Nothing really that we can afford, or what we could afford didn't have any openings. Today we went to a place that is $600, which I think we will be able to do. The rent for where we are staying now is $742.16, so there is a HUGE difference in amount. We also don't have to pay a $110 bill for water, sewage and garbage. We applied to them. They have 2 units that will be open by the time we need. So that's one good thing..
The next good thing is today when I checked the mail I had a letter from the welfare office in there. Well 2, but the second one was just saying why our cash-aid was being stopped. The second one was a letter saying because we no longer get cash-aid that we get an up in our food stamps. They went from $131 to $340! That is a huge burden off of our shoulders, because that will cover ALL of our food for the whole month. AND THEN SOME!
So yeah. That's been my life.
So I didn't post yesterday or the day before. Mainly because I was busy, but also because I don't like writing this stuff out and my husband asking me constantly what I am writing, even though I told him 5 times. Over the span of 20 minutes.
Anyways. Yesterday we had friends over. Monday night is this couple night we have where some friends come over and we eat dinner, sometimes dessert and play a game. We usually play Munchkins. It is the only day of the week we see other people. And we started doing it, like we suggested the idea. Thankfully they haven't backed out of it. So that's nice... I'm waiting for the day though. We shall see.
We had meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner yesterday. I love my husbands meatloaf. So yummy. Sunday was one of my friends birthday, so we asked her what she wanted and that's what she wanted. I also made her a cake. It was a marble cake with whipped cream frosting. The frosting was good. Tasted like cool whip, but homemade. I like to do everything homemade. It's just so much more fun. The cake was ok. I thought it was a little dense, but everyone else loved it. We had some Tequila Sunrises too. I don't really like orange juice, but other then that it was ok.
I like when we have people over. It is nice to have the house clean for someone besides myself. It's nice to socialize, the little that I do get to do. The only thing I don't like is it's 6 people in a small living room and it gets loud because no one knows how to control their volume.
(Now Marshall is waking up from his morning nap. I'm probably just gonna end this here, and do another post later. Best to separate my thoughts into different posts anyways.)
I used to do it, and then we got tight on money and didn't have the money for the papers. Tomorrow is Sunday and we have extra money, so I really am thinking of walking up to the store and getting a couple of papers. And by a couple I mean 3..maybe just 2. I looked at the previews and they don't seem that great, but that doesn't mean a great deal isn't going to eventually come around. Hopefully before the coupon expires.
I still have all the things for it. I have my binder and sheets. I have a nice pair of scissors. Hell I even have a big paper cutter if I really wanted to. Which I might use.
It would only be $2 so why wouldn't it be worth it to try?
I was going to call my husband, but my phone seems to be missing thanks to a certain 1 year old. I'm hoping he will bring it to me.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I just can't seem to handle life today. The past couple days actually. My fuse is shorter then normal. I get angry at the smallest and stupidest things and I just don't know why.
Every time I go breastfeed my son I get upset because he is touching me to much. It makes no sense. I never had an issue with it before. It might be because of the fact I can't sit on the couch, lay down or do anything but stand without him shoving his face in my breasts and screaming. It doesn't matter if I had just fed him either. And by just I mean he literally just stopped eating and I put everything away.
It's frustrating when he touches me, because he has to be right against me. He has to pull my hair and eat it. Drool on me. Push against me. He invades my personal space and has been doing it all day, every day for the last 15 months. It's sad to say but I really wish sometimes I could just hang up the "Mom" apron and put on a new one. Any one. I just want to get away from him for a while.
Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad person?
I don't think so. I think everyone needs a break every once in a while. The longest I get away from him is if I walk to the store real quick when my husband is home. Or nap time. The last time I was away from him for more then 45 minutes was in February. That means it's been 7 months. 7 months with 0 time alone.
I try to tell my husband how I feel, and he just doesn't understand. He gets angry because apparently he is doing everything he can to make me happy. All I want is one day. Just one, to not have to deal with my son. To not freak out every time I get touched. One day for myself.
There are a few things I wish about almost daily. I wish I had a cleaner house. I wish I had a longer fuse. I wish I had chocolate. But the main thing I wish about, especially on a day like this. A day where I will be alone until 11 PM. A day where my only company is my screaming toddler. I wish I had friends. I guess I do have friends. But I have friends that even though they tell me I can call them and they'll come over if I want, always seem to be busy. Busy with my other "friends". I want to be able to go and have fun. Hang out. Mess around like I used to.
It's not like before I had my son I had much of a social life, but I at least got invited to go do things with them. Sometimes I wonder if I cross their mind when they make plans to go do something. If I do, do they just brush me off because I have a kid? Do they think "What about Illeana? No, she has a son. She won't be able to come. There is no point in inviting her."
I am just depressing myself thinking about this. Why am I writing this? Why make myself sad thinking about it? Oh that's right. Because everyone is busy and I have no one to even talk to. I can't text them, because I won't get anything back for hours. Sometimes I don't even get anything back at all. What's the point of having friends if you don't see them?
As much as I try, and as much I want to...I just can't. It isn't writing the post itself. Words seem to flow out of me..most times. It's remembering that I have a blog that I need to keep updated. Remembering that I should post something. Anything really. Just to give you guys something to read.
So here I am. Back attempting to post again. I won't make it to difficult. Try to get out a post a week. Maybe even a month if I'm feeling no inspiration. But I won't try to hard to be perfect.
On top of keeping up with my blog, I really need to change how it looks. Let's face it. It's pretty hideous. So I'm sorry if you are reading this with a orange background. I am terrible at those kinds of things.
This is just going to be short. I don't really have anything to say other then what has been said. I hope I talk to you guys soon. Bye.
Our fun time at the park. :)
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