It's that time of month again.

The time where I have to plan and figure out what we are eating for dinner for the next 30 days. The time where I sit down and look through my Facebook at what recipes I have shared. The time where I have to add things together, and triple check lists to make sure I have the right amounts. The time where..I just want to give up half way through.

Joe always wants me to try new recipes, but there is only so many variations of the same shit. There is only so much he is willing to eat also. How am I supposed to come up with new stuff, if he isn't willing to try it? I just don't understand that part.

This month is even harder...because I have to plan around THANKSGIVING. Our first one in our own place. I've cooked bits and pieces of Thanksgiving. But not the whole thing... And Joe works on Thursdays. So I have to figure out if we are doing Thanksgiving on Thursday or Wednesday. Thursday gives me more time to cook everything. But he doesn't get home until 10:30 PM.

The worst part about all of this..is he doesn't tell me what he wants. If I ask him, he says whatever I want to do. He'll say the same shit for Thanksgiving too.

It's frustrating and makes me not want to do anything. But we can't not eat. And if I don't do this, that's exactly what will happen...

Mother-In-Law

She is staying with us because she has decided to leave her husband. He drinks all day long and she can't be around that or she'll relapse. He smokes all day long, and she just got over pneumonia and has COPD. He doesn't seem to care about that when she just spent 2 weeks in the hospital for it.

So she is staying here until November 8th. Then we are taking her up North to stay for a little while, and then me and Marshall get to meet that part of our new family. That is going to be so fuuun. /sarcasm.

I have a hard time being around people. New people. And then these people will be considered my family. And yeah. Nerve wracking. Terrifying. All that stuff.

Ugh..

I've been having a hard last few days... I'm sick and tired of this crap with Comcast. I don't know if I told you guys, but they have to completely rewire, but the wire on the outside is in our downstairs neighbors porch area. And he's a dick and won't let the guy in there. I've been trying to talk to the Landlord about it for a week, and he never answers the phone. Never calls back. And it never there when I go there. I'm really thinking about just switching to U-verse...

Then yesterday we found out our dishwasher was leaking onto the carpet and underneath it. So yeah. Fuck that. Excuse the french. So I try going to the office today...again...he hadn't even come in apparently. OH. And they only have one person that works there. SO THAT'S FUN!

Today I've had really bad heartburn and nothing has been helping it. So..yeah. Suckish too

Marshall has been teething really bad and just wants to be cuddled or nursing all the time. But right now I just don't want to be touched. So that's frustrating.

Sorry this post doesn't make much sense. I just need to get all this shit off my chest. And yeah..

App

So I decided to download the Blogger App. I did so because I always forget to write a post when I am on the computer. There are so many other distractions. YouTube. Tumblr. Facebook. Mainly those 3...

On the phone/App, I feel like even though I have those apps too, they aren't as much of a distraction. They aren't nearly as easy to maneuver and play with on a phone.

And even though I can't see my stats, or I just haven't figured out how to, on the app; I can see them online. Which is fine with me.

This at least gives me some more motivation to write a post. Especially if I leave the app on my home screen.

Unpacking..

It's so stressful and I hate it. Like hate it. With a serious passion. I hate finding new places for my things. I hate that there is hardly any storage in apartments. In houses. In general. I'm always stuck thinking "Where do I put this?" "What should I do next?" "I have no idea what I'm doing..."

Then since Joe works strange hours, I'm the one doing all the unpacking.. And it burns me out. I don't want to do everything by myself. Then dinner. Then dishes. And on top of all of that, take care of Marshall and make sure he doesn't get into anything.. Make sure he isn't in my way. Make sure he is actually taken care of.

______________________________________________________________________

I completely lost my train of thought because I was checking my email. And my mother messaged me about seeing Marshall. Its difficult because of timing. Joe and her work two completely different schedules so it's hard to really figure out a good time..

I dunno. I think I'm done with this post. Sorry it was so lame.

Frustrated!

This is going to be an after moving post. Right now, and yesterday also, I've been dealing with Comcast and setting up everything. So it works! My account was never transferred properly, so they are trying to do that. My modem isn't registering as me even having internet. Half of my channels are pixelated.

This is SO infuriating.

I want my TV working properly because The Walking Dead starts tomorrow.

I want my internet working properly so every hour I don't have to wait 5 minutes for it to turn back on.

So far everyone, except the first lady, has been really helpful.

The first lady didn't understand I didn't know where the Serial Number was, and wouldn't tell me, but she told Joe. So whatever. You wanna be that kinda Bitch. Fine.

The last person I talked to told me there is nothing else they can do from the call center, and that she recommends having someone come out. However that's $56 I just don't have to pay someone. Especially for something that's NOT my fault. At all.

More about moving.

To start off, I have such creative names for my posts. Don't I?

We moved yesterday. At least most of our house. The important things at least. Like the bed. And Marshall's crib. We have the couch/futon, but it isn't put together yet. We didn't really finish until 10 last night, and by then we were so exhausted we didn't want to do anything else. Not to mention we still have MORE things to grab from the old place. Isn't it just super fun. 

Right now Joe is returning the Uhaul, and then going to grab some things from the old place. And then come get me and Marshall. So I am taking this opportunity to have Marshall take a nap, because yesterday he did NOT get one. He wasn't a happy camper. 

The thing that frustrated me the most about yesterday was that me and Joe had to do it all by ourselves. With Marshall. Because even though I have friends that don't work on Wednesdays, and Joes mom doesn't work at all. No one could be bothered to help us move, and she could have bothered about even OFFERING to help watch Marshall. She complains all the time about not seeing him enough, and yesterday was a great chance to. And she didn't want to. 

I want to post a really sarcastic status on my Facebook saying thanks to everyone that helped us and that we really appreciate it. /sarcasm. But I know that will hurt peoples feelings, so I won't. Instead I'll tell you guys how hurt I am that no one cared enough to help. Everyone knew we were moving. I had posted about it multiple times in the past 2 weeks. I guess it just shows me who my true "friends" are. 

And I use that word lightly, because at this point I feel like I don't have friends in real life. Everyone that is nice to me is on the internet, and even then hardly anyone talks to me.. 

I'm just frustrated and tired of this and the whole situation.. 

Moving.

I've always hated moving. We did it when I was younger every 2-3 years. It's frustrating packing and organizing the boxes. Once we moved to California we didn't move for 7 years. So I got used to staying in the same house. And then we moved. And then I got kicked out. And then we found a place. And now we have to leave this new place(technically 6 months old). We are moving on October 8th, and I haven't packed really anything. It's frustrating to do with a toddler. And I know I'm going to have to do it again soon.

While my son is sleeping I am going to pack up some of the kitchen...that we aren't using that is. I have never actually packed my own house before, so I think that's why I'm having such a hard time with it..

I don't really have much else to say about this...

Why I haven't been posting this past week.

Firstly, I was just busy on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we were a little busy too, and it was Joe's day off, so I wanted to spend some time with him. Thursday I get a phone call from welfare saying that they are going to cut off our cash-aid because Joe makes to much money. He only grosses $1600, so it's not like we are raking in the money. They just have a limit for how much money we can make, and that limit is $895. Which I think is ridiculous. They also don't wean you off slowly, they full on take every last penny.

Well that extra money, $638, was how we were paying our rent. We set up a time to talk to our worker, make sure that all the information was correct. That was this most recent Monday, the 22nd. Well yeah, they took it all. Everything. We had to go tell our landlords that we would not be able to make rent. They so graciously gave us until the 10th of October to either pay rent, or get out. We knew we weren't going to be able to pay rent, so we started looking at places.

Monday and Tuesday were kind of a bust. Nothing really that we can afford, or what we could afford didn't have any openings. Today we went to a place that is $600, which I think we will be able to do. The rent for where we are staying now is $742.16, so there is a HUGE difference in amount. We also don't have to pay a $110 bill for water, sewage and garbage. We applied to them. They have 2 units that will be open by the time we need. So that's one good thing..

The next good thing is today when I checked the mail I had a letter from the welfare office in there. Well 2, but the second one was just saying why our cash-aid was being stopped. The second one was a letter saying because we no longer get cash-aid that we get an up in our food stamps. They went from $131 to $340! That is a huge burden off of our shoulders, because that will cover ALL of our food for the whole month. AND THEN SOME!

So yeah. That's been my life.

So I didn't post yesterday or the day before. Mainly because I was busy, but also because I don't like writing this stuff out and my husband asking me constantly what I am writing, even though I told him 5 times. Over the span of 20 minutes.

Anyways. Yesterday we had friends over. Monday night is this couple night we have where some friends come over and we eat dinner, sometimes dessert and play a game. We usually play Munchkins. It is the only day of the week we see other people. And we started doing it, like we suggested the idea. Thankfully they haven't backed out of it. So that's nice... I'm waiting for the day though. We shall see.

We had meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner yesterday. I love my husbands meatloaf. So yummy. Sunday was one of my friends birthday, so we asked her what she wanted and that's what she wanted. I also made her a cake. It was a marble cake with whipped cream frosting. The frosting was good. Tasted like cool whip, but homemade. I like to do everything homemade. It's just so much more fun. The cake was ok. I thought it was a little dense, but everyone else loved it. We had some Tequila Sunrises too. I don't really like orange juice, but other then that it was ok.

I like when we have people over. It is nice to have the house clean for someone besides myself. It's nice to socialize, the little that I do get to do. The only thing I don't like is it's 6 people in a small living room and it gets loud because no one knows how to control their volume.

(Now Marshall is waking up from his morning nap. I'm probably just gonna end this here, and do another post later. Best to separate my thoughts into different posts anyways.)

Couponing?

I used to do it, and then we got tight on money and didn't have the money for the papers. Tomorrow is Sunday and we have extra money, so I really am thinking of walking up to the store and getting a couple of papers. And by a couple I mean 3..maybe just 2. I looked at the previews and they don't seem that great, but that doesn't mean a great deal isn't going to eventually come around. Hopefully before the coupon expires.

I still have all the things for it. I have my binder and sheets. I have a nice pair of scissors. Hell I even have a big paper cutter if I really wanted to. Which I might use.

It would only be $2 so why wouldn't it be worth it to try?

I was going to call my husband, but my phone seems to be missing thanks to a certain 1 year old. I'm hoping he will bring it to me.

Something is off today..

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I just can't seem to handle life today. The past couple days actually. My fuse is shorter then normal. I get angry at the smallest and stupidest things and I just don't know why.

Every time I go breastfeed my son I get upset because he is touching me to much. It makes no sense. I never had an issue with it before. It might be because of the fact I can't sit on the couch, lay down or do anything but stand without him shoving his face in my breasts and screaming. It doesn't matter if I had just fed him either. And by just I mean he literally just stopped eating and I put everything away.

It's frustrating when he touches me, because he has to be right against me. He has to pull my hair and eat it. Drool on me. Push against me. He invades my personal space and has been doing it all day, every day for the last 15 months. It's sad to say but I really wish sometimes I could just hang up the "Mom" apron and put on a new one. Any one. I just want to get away from him for a while.

Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad person?

I don't think so. I think everyone needs a break every once in a while. The longest I get away from him is if I walk to the store real quick when my husband is home. Or nap time. The last time I was away from him for more then 45 minutes was in February. That means it's been 7 months. 7 months with 0 time alone.

I try to tell my husband how I feel, and he just doesn't understand. He gets angry because apparently he is doing everything he can to make me happy. All I want is one day. Just one, to not have to deal with my son. To not freak out every time I get touched. One day for myself.

I wish...

There are a few things I wish about almost daily. I wish I had a cleaner house. I wish I had a longer fuse. I wish I had chocolate. But the main thing I wish about, especially on a day like this. A day where I will be alone until 11 PM. A day where my only company is my screaming toddler. I wish I had friends. I guess I do have friends. But I have friends that even though they tell me I can call them and they'll come over if I want, always seem to be busy. Busy with my other "friends". I want to be able to go and have fun. Hang out. Mess around like I used to. 

It's not like before I had my son I had much of a social life, but I at least got invited to go do things with them. Sometimes I wonder if I cross their mind when they make plans to go do something. If I do, do they just brush me off because I have a kid? Do they think "What about Illeana? No, she has a son. She won't be able to come. There is no point in inviting her." 

I am just depressing myself thinking about this. Why am I writing this? Why make myself sad thinking about it? Oh that's right. Because everyone is busy and I have no one to even talk to. I can't text them, because I won't get anything back for hours. Sometimes I don't even get anything back at all. What's the point of having friends if you don't see them? 

I'm terrible with keeping up with blogs.

As much as I try, and as much I want to...I just can't. It isn't writing the post itself. Words seem to flow out of me..most times. It's remembering that I have a blog that I need to keep updated. Remembering that I should post something. Anything really. Just to give you guys something to read.

So here I am. Back attempting to post again. I won't make it to difficult. Try to get out a post a week. Maybe even a month if I'm feeling no inspiration. But I won't try to hard to be perfect.

On top of keeping up with my blog, I really need to change how it looks. Let's face it. It's pretty hideous. So I'm sorry if you are reading this with a orange background. I am terrible at those kinds of things.

This is just going to be short. I don't really have anything to say other then what has been said. I hope I talk to you guys soon. Bye.

Park funness.

Our fun time at the park. :)

Eh.

It's been a few days since I've posted, so I guess I'll update you about what's going on in my life.

We sold out piece of shit car. Thank fucking good. For $344. Not so much, but it helps. Trust me. Our insurance for the car, which was supposed to be canceled, still came out. That's $68 that we need. We are trying to figure that out. Rent is due tomorrow, well actually yesterday, but we have until tomorrow. So Joe is gonna write the check out, and I will turn it in later in the day, but before 5.

They don't cash is for a few days anyways. But better safe then sorry. We also get our cashaid tomorrow. That's what we are using to pay rent. Roommate ALSO gets paid tomorrow. She has to give us $303. SMUD is due on the 9th. Comcast the 7th. Food stamps comes in on the 7th. Joe gets paid on the 10th. This is so fun.

I need a fucking job, but no one wants to hire me... I haven't worked in 3 fucking years though.

Marshall has really started walking in his shoes. He is doing it right now. We went to the park today. It was fun. :) Have to go get cheerios with WIC later.

His 1 year appointment was yesterday. He is 19.12 lbs and 29.5 inches. He hated the shots. And getting his blood drawn. His doctor wanted to do it because he doesn't eat red meat a lot. But he is in the right ranges. :)

I think that's everything. :)

Dear Roommate:

I understand we have only been living with each other for a little over a week, but here are some things that you do that annoy the shit out of me and need to correct.

1. You leave the bath toys in the bathtub after your shower. Did you do that at your old place? Because it isn't going to fly here. Toys need to go back to their spot. Because I sure as hell don't want to pick them up when I need to shower. Another thing about them. They are our bath toys, so if you wouldn't treat them like crap. That'd be great too.

2. If you are going to drink milk. Wash out your cup when you are done. Bad milk is fucking disgusting and I don't want to deal with that. I wash out my bowl and measuring cups when I use milk. You can rinse out your fucking cup. And please use one cup the whole day. We only have a certain number of cups and I don't need to be washing all of them every day.

3. Sort of on the same subject. If you are not going eat all of your food, put it in a storage container. Last night you wasted a good amount of Velvetta pasta. I could have had that for lunch. Or you could have had it when you came home. Instead it sat on the counter all night. I don't care if you think you might finish it that night, put it away.

4. You aren't allowed to have the remotes if you can't remember where they go or where the last place you had them was. They go on the window sill so the babies don't get them. Not on the couch. Not on the bookshelf. Not on the coffee table. On the window sill.

5. While we are looking for said remotes, don't sit on your fucking ass and stare at your phone. Don't keep messaging the guy that abused you. Just fucking stop being on your phone all the fucking time.

6. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR DAUGHTER! She wants your attention. She wants to sit with you and have you play with her. She doesn't want you to yell at her for being a baby. She doesn't want you to yell at her for being fucking hungry. I'm not going to watch her because she isn't mine. I will watch my baby. My very good baby who actually listens to me (most of the time) and is 8 months YOUNGER then yours.

7. PUT YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES AWAY!!!! I am sick and fucking tired of them being in the fucking basket and washer and dryer. I have shit that needs to be washed also. You know how to put fucking clothes away. So do it.

8. Towels...don't...belong...in...the...livingroom. End of story.

9. If your daughter is going to play with the toys we bought, you can help put them away. I don't care if "It's a lot of work to count the blocks and put together the puzzles." Toys need to be put away properly, and just throwing everything in there isn't proper.

I think that's it...

Back Again

Sorry not sorry.

I think I am just going to say everything in one big post about what I am thinking and what is going on.

1) I want to dye my hair. I think I want to do something unnatural. But I have no idea. I haven't dyed my hair in 3 years so it would be a little shocking to me. I am scared that once I do it, I will regret it. Joe keeps telling me to cut my hair first, but I really don't want to do that. I don't have to regret everything I do with my hair. I like my hair long. It looks better long. I feel better with it long. I don't care that Marshall pulls it. yes it hurts, but I just prefer it long.

2) I really want a tattoo for my birthday. I was thinking an owl. But my roommate also wants an owl and I don't want her to feel like I am copying her, even though I want a photo realistic owl and she doesn't. Would that still be copying since it's the same subject?

3) Maybe I will just do some unnatural highlights. I can't regret those. Can I? I dunno. My roommate might not be to do that. And every person I know that actually went to school for it charges $70 no matter what. Fucking ridiculous.

4) My roommate is watching Orange is The New Black. I've seen every episode, but she is behind. Seeing flashback Alexs hair made me think about the highlights.

Ummm. That's it?

So I have this friend..

And she still lives with her parents at 21. Not that abnormal. She has a shitty ass job and doesn't get any hours really. Like maybe 15 at the most a week.

So she just posted a Facebook status about how her parents are now making her pay $100 in rent a month. I'm just sitting here like...that's it? God I would love that. Do you know how much extra money we would have!?

She wanted to get an apartment with some of our other friends, and if she is only making like $200 a paycheck, I don't know how she expected to pay rent and utilities and still buy food. My other friends make shit money also. Pardon the french.

We pay 737.16(Rent) + 66(Smud) + 102.89(Utilities) + (However much we spend on food, and other bills like phones and cable).

I really have NO clue what they were thinking.

My First Post

Things and stuff you should know about me:

• I have a son, his name is Marshall. 
• He is 1 years old. 
• I am married to an amazing man named Joe. 
• We fight sometimes yes. 
• We have a roommate, her name is Vanessa. 
• She has a daughter named Sophia (Pia, or P)
• I sometimes forget to post. 

There are other things, but I forget them right now.