Why I haven't been posting this past week.

Firstly, I was just busy on Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday we were a little busy too, and it was Joe's day off, so I wanted to spend some time with him. Thursday I get a phone call from welfare saying that they are going to cut off our cash-aid because Joe makes to much money. He only grosses $1600, so it's not like we are raking in the money. They just have a limit for how much money we can make, and that limit is $895. Which I think is ridiculous. They also don't wean you off slowly, they full on take every last penny.

Well that extra money, $638, was how we were paying our rent. We set up a time to talk to our worker, make sure that all the information was correct. That was this most recent Monday, the 22nd. Well yeah, they took it all. Everything. We had to go tell our landlords that we would not be able to make rent. They so graciously gave us until the 10th of October to either pay rent, or get out. We knew we weren't going to be able to pay rent, so we started looking at places.

Monday and Tuesday were kind of a bust. Nothing really that we can afford, or what we could afford didn't have any openings. Today we went to a place that is $600, which I think we will be able to do. The rent for where we are staying now is $742.16, so there is a HUGE difference in amount. We also don't have to pay a $110 bill for water, sewage and garbage. We applied to them. They have 2 units that will be open by the time we need. So that's one good thing..

The next good thing is today when I checked the mail I had a letter from the welfare office in there. Well 2, but the second one was just saying why our cash-aid was being stopped. The second one was a letter saying because we no longer get cash-aid that we get an up in our food stamps. They went from $131 to $340! That is a huge burden off of our shoulders, because that will cover ALL of our food for the whole month. AND THEN SOME!

So yeah. That's been my life.

So I didn't post yesterday or the day before. Mainly because I was busy, but also because I don't like writing this stuff out and my husband asking me constantly what I am writing, even though I told him 5 times. Over the span of 20 minutes.

Anyways. Yesterday we had friends over. Monday night is this couple night we have where some friends come over and we eat dinner, sometimes dessert and play a game. We usually play Munchkins. It is the only day of the week we see other people. And we started doing it, like we suggested the idea. Thankfully they haven't backed out of it. So that's nice... I'm waiting for the day though. We shall see.

We had meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner yesterday. I love my husbands meatloaf. So yummy. Sunday was one of my friends birthday, so we asked her what she wanted and that's what she wanted. I also made her a cake. It was a marble cake with whipped cream frosting. The frosting was good. Tasted like cool whip, but homemade. I like to do everything homemade. It's just so much more fun. The cake was ok. I thought it was a little dense, but everyone else loved it. We had some Tequila Sunrises too. I don't really like orange juice, but other then that it was ok.

I like when we have people over. It is nice to have the house clean for someone besides myself. It's nice to socialize, the little that I do get to do. The only thing I don't like is it's 6 people in a small living room and it gets loud because no one knows how to control their volume.

(Now Marshall is waking up from his morning nap. I'm probably just gonna end this here, and do another post later. Best to separate my thoughts into different posts anyways.)

Couponing?

I used to do it, and then we got tight on money and didn't have the money for the papers. Tomorrow is Sunday and we have extra money, so I really am thinking of walking up to the store and getting a couple of papers. And by a couple I mean 3..maybe just 2. I looked at the previews and they don't seem that great, but that doesn't mean a great deal isn't going to eventually come around. Hopefully before the coupon expires.

I still have all the things for it. I have my binder and sheets. I have a nice pair of scissors. Hell I even have a big paper cutter if I really wanted to. Which I might use.

It would only be $2 so why wouldn't it be worth it to try?

I was going to call my husband, but my phone seems to be missing thanks to a certain 1 year old. I'm hoping he will bring it to me.

Something is off today..

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I just can't seem to handle life today. The past couple days actually. My fuse is shorter then normal. I get angry at the smallest and stupidest things and I just don't know why.

Every time I go breastfeed my son I get upset because he is touching me to much. It makes no sense. I never had an issue with it before. It might be because of the fact I can't sit on the couch, lay down or do anything but stand without him shoving his face in my breasts and screaming. It doesn't matter if I had just fed him either. And by just I mean he literally just stopped eating and I put everything away.

It's frustrating when he touches me, because he has to be right against me. He has to pull my hair and eat it. Drool on me. Push against me. He invades my personal space and has been doing it all day, every day for the last 15 months. It's sad to say but I really wish sometimes I could just hang up the "Mom" apron and put on a new one. Any one. I just want to get away from him for a while.

Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad person?

I don't think so. I think everyone needs a break every once in a while. The longest I get away from him is if I walk to the store real quick when my husband is home. Or nap time. The last time I was away from him for more then 45 minutes was in February. That means it's been 7 months. 7 months with 0 time alone.

I try to tell my husband how I feel, and he just doesn't understand. He gets angry because apparently he is doing everything he can to make me happy. All I want is one day. Just one, to not have to deal with my son. To not freak out every time I get touched. One day for myself.

I wish...

There are a few things I wish about almost daily. I wish I had a cleaner house. I wish I had a longer fuse. I wish I had chocolate. But the main thing I wish about, especially on a day like this. A day where I will be alone until 11 PM. A day where my only company is my screaming toddler. I wish I had friends. I guess I do have friends. But I have friends that even though they tell me I can call them and they'll come over if I want, always seem to be busy. Busy with my other "friends". I want to be able to go and have fun. Hang out. Mess around like I used to. 

It's not like before I had my son I had much of a social life, but I at least got invited to go do things with them. Sometimes I wonder if I cross their mind when they make plans to go do something. If I do, do they just brush me off because I have a kid? Do they think "What about Illeana? No, she has a son. She won't be able to come. There is no point in inviting her." 

I am just depressing myself thinking about this. Why am I writing this? Why make myself sad thinking about it? Oh that's right. Because everyone is busy and I have no one to even talk to. I can't text them, because I won't get anything back for hours. Sometimes I don't even get anything back at all. What's the point of having friends if you don't see them? 

I'm terrible with keeping up with blogs.

As much as I try, and as much I want to...I just can't. It isn't writing the post itself. Words seem to flow out of me..most times. It's remembering that I have a blog that I need to keep updated. Remembering that I should post something. Anything really. Just to give you guys something to read.

So here I am. Back attempting to post again. I won't make it to difficult. Try to get out a post a week. Maybe even a month if I'm feeling no inspiration. But I won't try to hard to be perfect.

On top of keeping up with my blog, I really need to change how it looks. Let's face it. It's pretty hideous. So I'm sorry if you are reading this with a orange background. I am terrible at those kinds of things.

This is just going to be short. I don't really have anything to say other then what has been said. I hope I talk to you guys soon. Bye.